happiness.

Well, I will warn you in advance, this blog is likely to be full of emotional cheese...you have been warned.
So, I was sitting down the other day just pondering life, yanoo as you do, and it kind of just hit me...life isn't actually all that bad. And for some reason, I'm not too sure what's possessed me, but I felt the need to write this blog, so when things are not so good, I can read this and realise just how great life actually is at the moment.
 Last week I officially made the decision that I wouldn't be competing Sparkie this year. After having such a crap season of it last year, we'd pretty much decided to give up with him anyway, but recently I'd been umming and aaahing not sure whether to give it another chance, but then last Wednesday I finally made a decision. The sun was shining, I jumped him with no martingale, no fancy tack, no extras, just a simpe snaffle bridle, we got our strides wrong, we cat leapt, stopped, had a good gallop, almost fell of a couple of times.. we had fun. It just made me think, this is why I brought this pony, this is why I've stuck with him for so long, because he's fun and actually, I really won't miss not taking him to shows, because that isn't fun for us. Making that decision has literally felt like a weight off my shoulders!
plus(if it wasn't cheesy enough allready!) I just got thinking about a lot of other things. Over the last three years, I will openly admit that I have really, really struggled. I'm obviously not going to write my whole life story on the internet and I'm definately not looking for the sympathy vote, as I know people who've been through a hell of a lot worse. I never realised how much I took my family and my horses for granted before, I was one of those kids who read stories in magazines or watched other kids in the playground worrying over family things and I used to feel sorry for them, but never worry because 'it would never be me', which I think is partly why I completely lost a grip on anything. It's hard to really put down in words without seeming like a pathetic loser(hehe) the feeling of being lost. There is no way to understand what it feels like to not want to be alive unless you've ever felt like that.
 But the other day, I sat down and realised to myself, that actually I really, really like my life now. Maybe change isn't always good, but you can learn over time to cope with change, to accept it and look onto the future instead of wishing for the past. I have so many amazing friends right now, the most beautiful horse that I am immensley proud of and my awkwardly adorable little pony that made me feel life could actually be ok sometimes, who I will have a whole 5 years this year(crazaaaaay).
 May have some exciting news soon, fingers crossed, I really, really hope this goes ahead as it would be perfect for me! Bring on the rest of 2013...
 Now I just have to hope no one ever finds this or reads it and thinks I'm a total moron, muahahha, please no D:
love Bef, Sparkmeister, Jackalina & C-Dawg.